Panic attacks, making toast and ACTUALLY leaving my flat…

After days of what feels like a ridiculous defeat I prepared myself last night for a day of ‘do whatever it takes to get to work.’ I haven’t struggled this bad with anxiety in a long time, I know PTSD echoes a lot of the symptoms of anxiety but recently over the past few months I’ve been dealing with other things (such as coping strategies, intrusive thoughts, memories – ‘flashbacks?’ and other stuff.) So the return of anxiety has hit me real hard…

A few weeks back I started experiencing horrendous anxiety, it stopped me from doing a lot of stuff, and along came the frustration, the fear and everything else. I’d dealt with it before though, but it was of course a lot to take in, and it’s felt far more intense this time around.

I had my medication altered and thankfully it seemed to really help (despite not actually being able to stay awake). I had been struggling with sleep, the panic at night was awful. Trying to sleep when my chest felt like it was destroying everything was slightly tricky, and then dealing with the nightmares was so much fun. (Sarcasm). Yet somehow, as I always do, I managed to plod through…

For the past few weeks everytime something feels more ‘intense’ it feels as if it’s never been that ‘intense’ before. (I’m not sure if that last sentence makes sense?) Everything is spiraling deeper and darker, each time it shocks me and then the whole cycle repeats itself… if I was digging to Australia I’d be there by now.

Anyway, back to today… last week and this week has been a concoction of struggling to get out of bed, horrendous nightmares, awful episodes of binge eating, hating the world, hating myself and feeling like I’m never gunna be able to move. Ever. Blogging has helped, heck – blogging has pretty much been the only productive thing I’ve been able to do for the last few weeks. I worry, I really worry that people who know me will see my blog and think ‘well she can blog so surely she can get up, out and take on the world?’ Yeah – I’ve been thinking that too.

Blogging has been the only break amidst the intensity of things lately. Scrolling through Pinterest and finding pictures of goldfish, writing exactly how I’m feeling – putting that into a never-ending stream of words, uploading it here and then reading peoples response is about the only thing that I feel has kept me connected to the ‘real’ world, and actually made me want to do productive things. (Of course – the internet might not actually be the ‘real’ world, but it’s more ‘real’ than my nightmares, however vivid they may be.)

So today… I kind of forced myself to get my act together – I tried last week and the aftermath was awful. One day of trying to do work led to two days of ‘crap’ (that’s the best way I can explain it…) I’ve not struggled like this in a long time, and I think it’s finally starting to show, I’m very good at ‘getting on with things’ but recently I haven’t been. I have what seems like an endless amount of emails to filter through, and a dissertation to start (yelp). I’ve lost the will to do anything, and I’ve lost the energy to actually care about things that mean a lot to me (such as writing, and studying – as geeky as it sounds).

The anxiety and panic that takes over my mind and body everytime I even think about leaving my flat is just too much to handle. Yet today I did. Yay. Celebrate each success – no matter how small? No. I have far too much to catch up on, and this isn’t a story with romantic notions and an underlying message of ‘actually it’s alright to do nothing, and let the panic win.’ No, I have shizzle to do, and quite frankly this time around PTSD, anxiety or whatever this rubbish is called has stopped me from functioning and I’m not happy about it. Even opening up documents and beginning to type, making toast and deciding whether or not to have jam, trying to decide whether or not to shower now or later – all those things have overwhelmed me (just today).
It’s when you want to cry at the prospect of making toast that you know you need to get your shiz together.

I had a horrible panic attack in the back of the taxi on my way in (I ordered a taxi as my legs most likely would’ve scurried back toward the flat at the slightest sign of hesitation). Everything just seemed too much, the rain was out to get me, and the heat was unbearable. The railings on the fence outside the window kept moving… the blue paint mocking me, as it stood there all cool, blocking me out from the rest of the world. The car was moving too slow, the car was moving too fast. The taxi driver could tell I was being odd, and everything was just far too intense. (Trust me, I know this sounds dramatic – I had to live it haha, I also know it sounds completely silly… welcome to my brain haha).

Right now, everything seems a lot brighter, I swear  I’m seeing colours I’ve never seen before? I think if I wasn’t writing this blog post right now I’d be a crumpled mess, staring at everything like a rabbit caught in the headlights…

I feel awful, absolutely awful right now, but I’m here – I feel stupid for feeling this way. I’m weak, rubbish and a loser. (I’m not). But I made it here (haha how cheesy) so lets see how much more I can achieve today…

*Deep breaths, deep breaths.*

Panic

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11 comments

  1. Sounds like you are having a really hard time of it sweetie. *hugs*. I blogged about one of my coping strategies for getting out and about today. Maybe have a read and see if it could help?

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  2. You wrote that as if you were reading my mind…. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore so I’m struggling alone daily trying to cope. Right now I should be asleep x your words have helped me tonight thank you xxx

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    • Hi Caroline, thank-you for this lovely comment 🙂 I tend to just write what I feel as I feel it… which is why sometimes it comes out as a jumble, but I think it’s a pretty good portrayal of what’s going on in my mind… it’s soothing almost to know that others can relate! 🙂

      I wish you all the best! And I hope you had a good nights sleep! xx

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      • I slept very well thank you Ella x ❤ hope you did too xx I can so relate to what your saying and how you write about your feelings as I have this constant dialogue running through my mind too… Iv diaries full of it. I think I’m doing okay because I’m not scaring everyone around me with my crazy mind and the thoughts i have but I’m not doing okay, my behavior is becoming worse again and I have realized I do need professional help. Until this blog I never understood why my symptoms weren’t like others I think I have been misdiagnosed with depression. Thank you again for helping just reading your blog helps me to know I am not alone xxx

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      • Just remember that not everyone’s symptoms are the same (they may be similar but our minds are such complex things!) Maybe writing what you’re feeling and sharing it with your GP/therapist may be useful? It’s just a suggestion! Either way… I find for me it’s best that I write to help myself identify what I’m going through… I completely understand how difficult it is to articulate something when you don’t even understand it yourself! 🙂 xx

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  3. The fact you blog is making a difference to my world. I feel less alone because of your words. Thank you for sharing your experience. I had to reread this because you described my exact world for the past 2years maybe more. Thankfully I saw my doctor and I havnt had any panic or episodes or pain In 9 days…. go me seeing the doctor lol I have an injured leg and with the anxiety and pain I think I lost my mind to thought. Now iv got one pain killer which I feel has helped me shift how I think in a healthy prosperous kind of way if you get me. It’s horrible knowing all this strife is only in my head while everyone around me is normal. Selfish . But it purely is I think just brain signals somewhere going wrong. Lyrica for now is helping me in more ways than I thought possible. The change in me almost from day 2 was phenomenal I woke up at 7 am and had a full normal day…
    I’m at day 9 and wow!!!!!

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    • It’s not selfish at all, I think not getting help is selfish, but only to yourself (even though at the moment I’m struggling with that haha!) I’m so pleased to hear that things seem to be going okay at the moment 🙂 you’ve inspired me to pluck up the courage to contact my doctor xx

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      • Do it Do it!!! And let me know how you get on….I cannot believe the change in me. It really helps tho reading that im not the only one struggling with my mind. Don’t let it win and take over coz we both know it only gets worse. You have already done well in deciding to get to the doc. xx hope it goes well xx

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