Honestly I go through periods where everything’s at the forefront of my mind – the past, the future, just everything. I’m not sure whether these periods are triggered by certain things, or if it’s simply just a matter of ‘good days and bad days.’ There’s been a fair few factors that have caused me to act and to feel differently in recent weeks. With moments that left me pretty shaken, and in receipt of some really wonderful people who reminded me just how strong I am. I did get very low, but fortunately I felt comfortable enough to ask for help, and most importantly to accept help…
I think it’s quite common (for me anyway) to have a few ‘a-ha’ moments, moments where I realise how far I’ve come, how strong I am and how close I am to falling in too deep. I have moments where I’m okay, I can function well, I have moments where I get unbearably anxious, frustrated, frightened and freaked out, and then I have moments where my mind can’t focus on anything but what’s going wrong… Where my mind can’t focus on anything but trying to figure ways out of this mess.
This is where my mind likes to ‘switch off’… it’s not as though my mind goes blank, it’s more like white noise… it’s incredibly loud, there’s a lot going on, but it’s just empty, it’s nothing… it’s odd, but also incredibly soothing. During these moments I can carry out tasks, I can do work, I can watch TV or whatever, but I’m also 100% not there, it’s not me doing it… if that makes sense? I also do this though when I’m talking about or trying to make sense of my emotions, my feelings and whatever it is that’s troubling me… that’s when I can’t really do anything but focus on what it is that’s causing me pain, but I also can’t make sense of how to think or how to speak.
In a sense I am lost for words, but I can operate pretty well it’s rather strange. Over the past few weeks I’ve kinda been ‘functioning,’ yet I’ve also been ‘switched off’ to certain things… which has made writing quite tricky. It’s also meant that whenever I’ve tried to ask my friends for help I’ve actually sat and helped them… whilst desperately wishing that my friends could read my mind.
Certain things have shocked me back into reality… I find myself thinking that I have no right to ‘struggle’ while others are in shock and grieving over recent horrifying and tragic events. But it’s not a competition. Things have left me fearing for my life before, and although I haven’t experienced what others may be going through at present I empathize wholly with those who have been affected by recent devastating events. All I have found myself thinking of late is those effected by the events in Beirut and Paris… how will they recover? How does someone recover from such devastating events? I cannot even begin to make sense of what those individuals may currently be going through. Even watching the events unfold on the news was highly emotional and traumatising for me. My thoughts really and truly are with those, and with anyone, who has been through trauma.
I’ve been watching the world go by and I’m not sure how I feel.
The world doesn’t seem real anymore.