I’m sat here pretty much lost. I have no idea what I feel, what I want to feel, what I’m supposed to feel or even if there are any other feelings on this planet other than the unidentifiable feeling that I’m feeling right now.
Just smile and wave, smile and wave. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
What on earth is happening? Someone’s just walked in… say words. Move your mouth, make some sort of noise. I feel like Ross in friends when he has no idea what to say (you know that episode where he digs his cousin…) (digs… I’ve never said that before.)
Talking has helped, the person who has walked in has somehow shaken me out of my i’m-awake-but-not-here-and-not-functioning-and-feeling-too-many-things-coma. She’s made me laugh, genuine laughter (none of that ‘fake it ’til ya make it rubbish). She had no idea what I was feeling or how my world had seemingly come to an abrupt stop (I’m very good at covering things up by now…) but she’s helped me come back down to Earth.
I have no idea how to feel feelings. Yes, I know how silly that sounds, but it’s the truth. Of course I know when I’m sad, when I’m happy. Or do I? Is my happiness real or am I still pretending? Wait… am I allowed to actually be happy? Am I reacting the way I feel others would react? ARE FEELINGS REAL?
There’s a familiar darkness… a darkness which they label ‘depression’. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m depressed. Am I?
This darkness feels more than just being ‘sad’ is actually does feel like I’ve been ‘depressed’, like I’ve been ‘deflated’… like any possibility of actually feeling anything ever again has been squeezed, squashed, pulled, pushed and sucked out of me. The Dementors have got me.
Excitement, happiness, enthusiasm rolls up to the party. It tries it’s hardest to gatecrash but depression always wins. ‘Overwhelmed’ is my most felt feeling… But I’m not overwhelmed, I’m done. Done with everything, done with nothing. I’m overwhelmed by the prospect of simple tasks, yet I am ready to take on the world. In my mind I can do anything and everything… if I wanted to become Queen I could. But I have to get out of bed first… I’ll fall at the first hurdle. I won’t be able to cross the shark-infested custard that has somehow replaced my carpet. I won’t be able to stand the heat, the dedication and turmoil caused by the water that comes streaming down in the shower. Look at that water, all dedicated and knowing where it wants to go… down the drain. Does dedication mean everything goes down the drain?!!!
Next up… the bus. Oh the bus. A bus filled with strangers, all staring at me… all realising instantly how useless, rubbish and embarrassing I am. Then I have to say thank-you to the bus driver. What if I say it wrong? What if he thinks I’m being rude?
Then the walk into university… cars driving by, each passenger laughing at me. Each person I walk past – their faces are blank but their minds are full of thoughts, words and shame. They are ashamed of me, they see how useless I am. What’s the point?
Ahh… into uni. Sit down, get ready. Calm my mind. Everything that just happened was a lie, I’m fine. Depression lies, anxiety lies. I’m fine.
A session with someone who I know will let me be myself. One of the only people who really knows what’s going on in my mind, and one of the only people who can calm me, reassure me and help me see clearly. I try my hardest to get words out… I think the door at the top of the staircase from my brain to my mouth might be locked. I have so much to say, but nothing comes out. I’ve rambled for a good period of time, we’ve talked things through, somehow made sense of the blurriness that falls from my mouth. Finally I blurt out the painful stuff, and finally I feel a little safer in myself. I had to talk about it. I had to get them words out into the open. They left me feeling exhausted, drained and terrified… but they are out… they are now less damaging.
I am so thankful for my support system. I could never thank them enough, they help me function, they lighten the load and they help me make sense of the tangled, frazzled roots/paths/roads/wires in my mind. (I’m not sure what I want to call it today!)
Now I’m back in the room again, I’m back in the room that I was sitting in at the start of this blog post. I’ve summed up my morning, apparently I needed to ‘offload’ into a blog post. Typing is cool, typing is fun, making sense of things is even better. And though none of this post may make sense it’s worked wonders for me 😉
Welcome to my world, my weird and wonderful world. Feelings are fleeting (most of the time), try to get words out and clear up some space in your mind.
(P.S: Harry Potter is wonderful for when times are tough!)