I’ve not been myself lately, and by not ‘myself’ I mean, I’ve been dealing with things differently to how I’ve trained myself to cope throughout my recovery. I’m not sure which way was better… when I was plodding along not feeling anything (but feeling everything) to now actually feeling ‘grumpy’ or unable to put up the usual “yeaaaaah everything’s peachy” act that I’ve become far too familiar with.
Recovery is, I guess, about learning new things, crafting new ways to cope and realising what works and what doesn’t. For me I’ve avoided certain situations for quite some time, recently I’ve started allowing myself to actually face these situations. It’s not like I’ve been hiding away, it’s more that I’ve been in certain situations, social, professional and all that jazz where I’ve ‘reacted’. Aka: I’ve acted/responded to how I’ve felt and thought others would want me to respond. Basically I’ve not been comfortable, I’ve been putting on an ‘act.’ But I guess it’s not really been an act, it’s more I’ve naturally learnt to deal with certain situations by ignoring my actual feelings and doing the opposite. Which is quite strange, and maybe slightly confusing (I’m struggling to articulate this.)
A few weeks back I made the decision to stop taking some of my medication, admittedly I did do this without consulting my GP, which was a silly move. But fortunately I haven’t had too many negative side effects, and I did inform others in my support circle. I don’t know what it is about taking medication – I don’t see it as a bad thing, it’s certainly helped me a lot throughout my recovery – but I think I’d reached a point where nothing was changing. My anxiety has certainly eased, but other factors have made things a little tricky for me. I know that in the long run sticking with my medication and continuing therapy will be helpful (I hope). However, at times I do wish that I could just switch everything off. I write a lot about my mental health so I think it’d be slightly trivial if I was to pretend or ignore what I’m feeling.
I wish that things could go back to how they used to be, or I just wish I could relive certain things and deal with them differently. However at the same time I’m so fortunate with other aspects of my life so it’s a pretty strange situation. There are times when everything is simply too much, too much more than the usual too much. Times where I can’t see anyway out of all this nonsense (illness). I wish people could read my mind, I wish people could heal my mind, I wish I could heal my own mind, I wish I was anyone else but me.
I spent a lot of my younger years wishing I could be someone else, wishing I could be anyone else but me. I do that a little less now. Now I spend more time wishing that I could be me but minus all my ‘problems.’ I wish I could be skinny, I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and I wish I could tell some people to shut up and just listen to me. I wish I didn’t turn to food whenever I’m faced with any emotion. I wish I didn’t feel guilty eating food, having an opinion, talking, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way. Heck I wish I didn’t do anything that I do. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to ‘not be here’ (for lack of a better way of saying that), I just wish I wasn’t me. But, at the same time I love being me. (Confused yet?)
I drew this a while back and wasn’t sure when to use it. It feels pretty right to use it within this post:
Fab drawing Ella! You capture confusion so well in the facial expression. Personally, much as I hate feeling confused, it does seem to me to be a good and fruiitful place to be somehow. It’s like current skin/ habits/ responses don’t quite fit, but not really grown new skin/ habits/ responses and everything feels a bit wrong?
Thanks Emily 🙂 and yeah it’s kinda like being in between right and wrong haha!
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